5 Weight loss tips from a fat chick.

Sometimes I bring snacks with me to work because my mouth gets bored. I just want to shovel food into my face so I can taste it and chew it and… swallow it.

[that’s what she said]

But seriously, I’m not small. It’s not because I’m injured, supposed to be fat, don’t know how to eat right, am in hoping to be kidnapped by Buffalo Bill so I can be immortalized in his lady suit; I’m a chunk monster because I know what to do but I don’t do it because it’s hard and it’s easier not to.

So, take it from me, a fat chick, there are some simple steps, from eating less to exercising more to just admitting that you’re actually fat not big boned, you can take (unless you’re like REALLY comfortable on the couch) to lose some weight.

1. Actually Exercise.

I always mean to exercise… I really do. I even have a treadmill in my house with a TV in front of it. I’m physically capable of running, but I just don’t. I don’t even get that tired walking for miles. I get tired thinking about walking for miles. So, take it from my soft, out of shape ass: Actually exercise.

2. Cake and Candy are not vital nutrients.

I heard somewhere that if you’re lacking nutrients, your body knows to crave certain things. I may have tried to justify eating a third of a cheese danish ring by saying that it was necessary because my body needed calcium and dairy and shit. Yup. My body NEEDED dairy so I NEEDED to eat three servings worth of cheese danish in one day. I Should have taken a multivitamin and had some fat free cheese.

Eat less food and you lose more weight. SIMPLE. But also, eat less shitty food and you can still lose weight! You can eat two apples if your mouth is bored instead of a bag of apple flavored gummy candies and an apple juice. You’ll likely feel better after eating the apples too.

3. Water is so annoying (because it’s so important).

People are always trying to blame water for their weight. Blame the salt on the French fries and the fact that the water in your diet comes from Diet Coke.

Drink a butt-load of water (which is waaay harder than it sounds—which is why I drink almost no water until I feel like I’m dying of thirst). BUT, a. drink it regularly through all the days, b. drink it before meals, c. drink it after meals, d. don’t drink too much or you’ll die. Whatever you do, get your water intake up and it really will help you out. Unfortunately, I can’t be bothered right now.

4. Stop listening to people who say shit like, “Maybe you’re just meant to be big. Big is sexy now.”

No one is MEANT to be obese. Look at your body just a little (and be honest with yourself, not self-deprecating or unrealistically confident) and you’ll know if you’re built big or if you’ve got a gut and need to put in some work. Being overweight is a symptom/side effect, not a stylistic choice. It’s a result of being unhealthy either currently or previously. Carrying extra weight on your frame isn’t good for you so don’t let people lie to you and tell you it is if you can HONESTLY look at yourself and see differently.

Watch me do it: I honestly don’t need this spare tire.

5. At least you have a pretty face.

Doesn’t that sound like the meanest thing any bitch could ever say? Thing is, it’s not. Be real, being a size 14 doesn’t make you ugly or stupid or unfunny or bad at your job. Understanding that weight loss is about losing weight not about fixing your formative flaws is vital. Just like you’re not going to be a shitty person because you’re fat, you’re not going to magically be a less shitty person when you’re thin.

You’re allowed to be confident whilst fat. If anything you should be because trust me, once those other doubts about self-worth start creeping in, it’s like pulling a plug from a dam.

Slap on some make up, read some quotable cliff’s notes, and stay confident in all the other shit about yourself because if you can beat a Sudoku, you can beat a fucking cookie.